My short story for school.

[Mickword]

Hey Guys! Right, since we are doing our English GCSEs in November (My school is very prepared), our teacher has gave us a past GCSE question to do. This is my short story, entitled 'Running Scared'.

Running Scared

Running scared, running, running from it. Never knowing what it may do. It will kill, it will consume. The trees try to run away, but they are too slow, they casually lean to the left. The wind whispers the voice of the millions of souls it has taken. Will I be the next one? Who’s to know?

The grass I walk one leaves the print of my feet. The creature it comes from the dark, it leaves pain, it leaves destruction. The darkness gained power, the power to defeat all. Nothing can stop it. The night sky, made even darker by the dimming light left by the grand Victorian lamps. It comes from the sky, the power is immense.

Through-out the bushes the insects leap, leap towards the pure light. They do not make it. The dogs, the cats, they run across the red old bricks from the fallen wall. They scavenge through what is left of the broken down carcasses of the small creatures, their last meal.

I trip, falling to the ground. A simple rock, to slow me down. I try to get up from this harsh terrain. I can’t. My leg seems to hurt, disabled from movement, waiting for my deathly hallowed soul to join the rest. I thought... I thought I was different, I thought I was the one to defeat the evil, hiding in the sheer simplicity of life, of those who sin, those who kill, those who live and those who die.

I hear a noise. Could it be the end? I hold my heart in my hand and the beating defends me. The pain of waiting, the pain of waiting for death, my imminent death. The beating of my heart, suddenly drouned out by a car, a vehicle of saviour. A man dressed head to toe in black, the saviour, my saviour. Although the black clothing proved I was saved, I thought from what, from whom, from them. I seek tranquillity from my life, my life filled with hate and pain. Running, running scared...

What you think of it? I got a B+, which is about 15 marks out of 20.

I like it tbh, and it took me about 20 mins. I had like 20 mins left LOLz. Since I got told the other forum section wasn't the correct one here it is .

Edited by Catzsy (Forum Super Moderator): Previous thread closed as this is a more suitable forum.
http://www.habboxforum.com/showthrea...902&highlight=

[Meree.]

Like I said in the other thread.

I really like it, its very detailed, and the grammar seems pretty much perfect.

Good job.

[Volumise]

I've commented in the other thread:

I like it and agree with Meree because it is very detailed, better than what i would have wrote

[Mickword]

I've commented in the other thread:

I like it and agree with Meree because it is very detailed, better than what i would have wrote

Like I said in the other thread.

I really like it, its very detailed, and the grammar seems pretty much perfect.

Good job.

Thanks guys, and I didn't notice it was meree hi meree o/, do you think its like to repetitive?

[MattFr]

Very good story but you lost some marks for lack of grammar variation. Make sure you revise how to use, and include, things like colons, semicolons, parenthetic commas and subordination. I remember doing this piece; the story line was no where near as good as yours but I scraped it up to 19/20 (A*) for technical accuracy and variation.

Very good

[Mickword]

Oh cool thanks , will do next time.

[Mathew]

As MattFr said, revise punctuation and take the plunge in using them in your own work. While reading this, I felt like the little voice in my head (reading the story to me) was stopping and starting a lot. Use different forms of punctuation to make the sentences last longer. It's good to have short sentences; it needs to be varied with long ones though.

If you had added rhyming couplets into some parts of that story, it would have read perfectly as a poem. Read paragraph 3 again and it would be a brilliant poem!

Very good storyline nontheless. Sadly I don't have that sort of imaginable mind - you do, so make use of it!

[Mickword]

Thanks will do, lol and Im still working on a small novel type book thing.