Rate my original writing please.

[Pawf]

This is the start of my original writing for English Coursework.
Please rate and tell me how to improve + spelling errors.
Thanks a lot guys :)

Click here to read (http://ian559.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/smiffla/story.html)

[Jesus-Egg]

I've just had a quick look through it, and it's very good. not noticed any major errors

[icebox12]

Yeh it's pretty good maybe extend it more to make it a bit more interesting and in more depth but overall i'm pretty pleased with it :)

[:kader]

Pacific Ocean not Specific friend.

[Pawf]

It's a made up place ... I thought people would guess with a name like Hodgepodgeistan ... ?

[:kader]

O ok...........

[icebox12]

Anyways yeh there were some mistakes but know worries it's all gurd :p

[AJC2004]

Yea its really good but where is says "However, it was not quite what I was used to at home. The man, whose name I had yet to learnt, led me up a sand path in the baking midday sun heading towards a building that looked, if I’m honest, little more than shack." Isnt it meant to say.. "However, it was not quite what I was used to at home. The man, whose name I had yet to learnt, led me up a sand path in the baking midday sun heading towards a building that looked, if I’m honest, little more than a shack."

[Pawf]

Yes ;) :eusa_danc

[Hippygurl101]

I Really enjoyed that, Alot better than my english coursework I did a couple of years back. Overal you use some great descriptions and it has a nice narrative flow. I didnt notice any huge grammatical errors or problems with the syntax.
This sentence didnt sound right to me.. But thats just me.
"In fact, it is probably more inadequate to record my trip than… a… thing that is impractical for writing on. It really is that bad!"

[Syd]

What you need to do is read it through and see what it would be like if you spoke in the first person, as if you were actually there going through those images and conversations, you need to elaborate more on how you feel. It's a brillaint plot and storyline, maybe extend it a little more to make sure the reader knows what kind of setting it is. Otheriwse the reader cannot picture the scene. Sort of start with, "The water looked murky, with just a few objects floating around looking for shelter, after a few seconds they all dissapeared......" and so on. That's what draws the reader in, it makes it more spicy and tense, which makes the reader want to read more.

Anyway good luck with it mate, I'm sure you'll do fine, hope I helped a bit :)