[Advice] Sollitude

Got a lil' problem..

For the past nine years I have built a wonderful network of friendships (both online and ITOH {In The Other Life}) and, probably, during this time, I had one of the most interesting and memorable experiences and adventures anyone could ever have ! I went through a lot of not-so-comfy disagreements... I cried a lot too, but on that same step, I also had high doses of joy and dopamine via a true partnership that I can firmly consider to be sincere and deserving of being maintained, even in spite of my dementing, suspicious thoughts, right in the beginning.

But the real question that is now the reason for my concerns is that their friendship and level of interest summarily became the essential factor that determines how well I'm bound to feel, in general. As if I were entirely dependent. A happy day is a day when I can grasp even if only crumbs from their affection, and even I feel like I need a degree of luck to achieve this, even though I know they actually love me . The problem is that, at some point, I started to love them in the same way that three people roped in one would do, and I completely unlearned to find joy in my own company, as I used to ALWAYS do in the past. This is consuming a fair amount of my daily energies and if I'm not working or making a piece of art... I'm basically and mostly thinking about them, and hoping that, in the end of the night, everything will work out

Any tips on.... how to... recover the feeling of completeness, even when I'm only by myself?

Cocaine

The best thing I can suggest is to keep yourself busy and learn to love yourself as you do your friends.

The sad fact is that they aren't going to always be there, and when they aren't is when it's going to hit you and you'll feel it the most. Keep yourself busy with the things you love doing - you'll get a sense of achievement and also you'll admire the things you finish, which as a result will be admiring yourself more and what you can do in your own time.

It's difficult, and it's very easy to become dependent on others, so it's also important to keep telling yourself that you're not the only one, it doesn't make you any less of a good or normal person. You're human and you can love yourself too.

OR

You can follow the above advice and become dependent on drugs instead. ;)

Well Hannahs advice is good and think carefully about drugs !!

+1 for drugs

Habbox has spoken.

that was a wild read

-1 for drugs.

Hannah’s advice ! (praise)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hannah

The best thing I can suggest is to keep yourself busy and learn to love yourself as you do your friends.

The sad fact is that they aren't going to always be there, and when they aren't is when it's going to hit you and you'll feel it the most. Keep yourself busy with the things you love doing - you'll get a sense of achievement and also you'll admire the things you finish, which as a result will be admiring yourself more and what you can do in your own time.

It's difficult, and it's very easy to become dependent on others, so it's also important to keep telling yourself that you're not the only one, it doesn't make you any less of a good or normal person. You're human and you can love yourself too.

OR

You can follow the above advice and become dependent on drugs instead. ;)

---

YUS BUDDY, I CAN LOVE MYSELF LIKE THIS, TOO!

The Cocaine tip is awesome as well, it works, but no funds are available for this kind of activity at the moment, you know. See, didn't they say Coke has 0.001% of cocaine as its composition, though?

Guess am gonna start a piece of art before sleeping. Thank you so much.

Yes it is hard to not have as much time as you would like from the people you give a lot of time to but you've got to accept that. That said, those who completely won't bother with you then you need to bin them off - I did this with a former friend like last year when I realised I was only really being used for his convenience.

This year actually, and that friend spawned this, I made a promise to myself kind of like a New Years Resolution to put myself and my own preferences first more often as usually I would compromise a lot to try keep people happy. So far I am pretty pleased and in doing so I have felt like I rely less on people. Maybe that's the mindset you need to try to adopt.

Be nice and always give people your time but don't bend over backwards for people who won't for you. Learn to say No!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by YellowBelli

+1 for drugs.

My advice ! (praise)

---

Fixed.

Omg lol i did not say that hahaha

I would agree with what Hannah said really. I've been struggling with similar over the last few years and I've found that just keeping busy is the only thing that keeps your mind off it! I think it's healthy for everyone to learn how to be alone or at least not be completely dependent on other people because you never know what's going to happen.

For me I've obviously thrown myself into work and Habbox which works for me but other people play games etc

If you're really social you could also find some subreddits or discord channels around certain interests to meet new people :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lawrawrrr

I would agree with what Hannah said really. I've been struggling with similar over the last few years and I've found that just keeping busy is the only thing that keeps your mind off it! I think it's healthy for everyone to learn how to be alone or at least not be completely dependent on other people because you never know what's going to happen.

For me I've obviously thrown myself into work and Habbox which works for me but other people play games etc

If you're really social you could also find some subreddits or discord channels around certain interests to meet new people :)

---

For some damn reason, practicing it all (the "being happy by myself thing") it a bit complicated, specially when we stop to think that I spend a good deal of the months (since August?) keeping in touch with them, almost in a daily basis and I was technically programmed to feel bad or guilty whenever I'd think that our hangin' wasn't that nice or the other person is acting a bit... laconic. I carried the weigh of the highs and lows and now the idea of spending a week cutting the communication for the sake of sanity/productivity sounds like digging a hole somewhere inside, heh

BUT I'MMA MAKE IT

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LUCPIX

For some damn reason, practicing it all (the "being happy by myself thing") it a bit complicated, specially when we stop to think that I spend a good deal of the months (since August?) keeping in touch with them, almost in a daily basis and I was technically programmed to feel bad or guilty whenever I'd think that our hangin' wasn't that nice or the other person is acting a bit... laconic. I carried the weigh of the highs and lows and now the idea of spending a week cutting the communication for the sake of sanity/productivity sounds like digging a hole somewhere inside, heh

BUT I'MMA MAKE IT

---

YOU CAN DO IT! We believe in you. Though you didn't need to cut it completely, unless that's helping you. Just more time to yourself.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hannah

YOU CAN DO IT! We believe in you. Though you didn't need to cut it completely, unless that's helping you. Just more time to yourself.

---

It is slowly, progressive working and the medicines were: getting some The Powerpuff Girls episodes (??), getting some new games and taking the first steps art-wise; I mean, it's been 2 months since I made a piece of art for the community and myself and this is not a normal thing, ha.

Thanks

OMG!

The same shit I've been going through. I started to have best friends during college and I can't seem to find any day being good unless it involves them. And whenever I'm doing something alone, I would feel depressed and sad in a lot of way.

The previous comments doesn't seems to be helping though :P

I wish that we could figure this out in the future. I've once thought about disconnecting with them but my best friend says (he might be biased) that I shouldn't and he said that I've always done everything a bit too far. Which I think might be true.

But yeah, I'm leaving college in a month and not gonna meet them easily anymore. I just need to prepare for the future. For a fresh new start, maybe not getting close friends??? Not sure. I don't think I can do that though since I'm a very happy go lucky guy who'd love to talk with everyone.

My next idea of solution is by having them balanced. I think we should invest some 'me time'. Maybe just set a date, to do whatever you love like reading for an hour and not be bothered by any request of your friend (if they ask to hangout etc even though it might be much more fun instead of sitting on the couch with a book). It's not about having a better activity than spending time with your friends (because I doubt many things triumph over hanging out with friends) but it's about making sure you always prioritize 'me time' more. So the rule to this is to never bend the 'me time' to accustom your friends.

Other than that, maybe a little solo travelling might do the job? I think people do say that travelling is all about learning yourself. Not going with anyone, will make sure you have a good time to make it all about you!

Good luck!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TinyFroggy

OMG!

But yeah, I'm leaving college in a month and not gonna meet them easily anymore. I just need to prepare for the future. For a fresh new start, maybe not getting close friends??? Not sure. I don't think I can do that though since I'm a very happy go lucky guy who'd love to talk with everyone.

My next idea of solution is by having them balanced. I think we should invest some 'me time'. Maybe just set a date, to do whatever you love like reading for an hour and not be bothered by any request of your friend (if they ask to hangout etc even though it might be much more fun instead of sitting on the couch with a book). It's not about having a better activity than spending time with your friends (because I doubt many things triumph over hanging out with friends) but it's about making sure you always prioritize 'me time' more. So the rule to this is to never bend the 'me time' to accustom your friends.

Other than that, maybe a little solo travelling might do the job? I think people do say that travelling is all about learning yourself. Not going with anyone, will make sure you have a good time to make it all about you!

Good luck!

---

...even if, with "travelling", we're just meaning "playing videogames" or reading a book XD mainly because I got no money for a solo trek so far, man!, but that's an awesome and WORKING idea, indeed

the 'me time' might be quite handy here, friend. As I started to develop my "friend networks" and a real connection was being established between me and them, I never thought things'd be so serious to the point I'd slightly lose pleasure or enthusiasm for the stuffs that were as habitual as breathing to me, drawing included lol. BUT IT'S CHANGING. I got weirdly dependent of a person in particular in January, to the point that crying, out loud, because of their absence was a recurring event, every morning after midnight, whilst asking myself WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH ME???? hahaha Putting all my ideas about myself into a completely unknown person... Something in me is different Froggy, and I'm more than satisfied to say that all these shits are helping me to deal with the emotional thing little by little every single day and the "evolving" is pretty much noticeable, specially when I look at chat histories from the beginning of the year... how I behaved like a very loon teenager, prioritizing shitty people because deep inside I really thought "no one would treat me so well like they do!" HA HA

I know, didn't they just make us feel a whole lot better most of the times?

Unfortunately, there's gonna be a time when you needed them the most, they won't appear and be there. And you gonna get broken so much. And that's near fatal, dude. That's why I think, we need to have somewhat a boundary, or a determined mindset that in the end, we are all alone. Life is sad. I know. But that's reality.

Regardless, I wish you all the best on not to be too dependent on people, bro ;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TinyFroggy

Unfortunately, there's gonna be a time when you needed them the most, they won't appear and be there.

---

In these situations, who's the wronger one, in your opinion - the person who "lacks the affective responsibility and only contacts their friends when they need a helping hand OR the person from the other end, the dedicated one, which is always there for their buddies even though they know the reciprocal is, most of the times, untrue?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LUCPIX

In these situations, who's the wronger one, in your opinion - the person who "lacks the affective responsibility and only contacts their friends when they need a helping hand OR the person from the other end, the dedicated one, which is always there for their buddies even though they know the reciprocal is, most of the times, untrue?

---

There's an obvious wrong and right from that statement. And yes, we all know that. I've spent an enormous time of my life thinking and dwelling upon this fact.

Until one day I noticed, that the bigger question is, why am I putting myself in a position that I know will hurt me.

Anyway, I never did stop until now. I wish can place myself somewhere else and care about no one else. I still wish that. Fml.

I guess, I need to start learning to love myself more. The problem is, I can't see how :(

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TinyFroggy

There's an obvious wrong and right from that statement. And yes, we all know that. I've spent an enormous time of my life thinking and dwelling upon this fact.

Until one day I noticed, that the bigger question is, why am I putting myself in a position that I know will hurt me.

Anyway, I never did stop until now. I wish can place myself somewhere else and care about no one else. I still wish that. Fml.

I guess, I need to start learning to love myself more. The problem is, I can't see how :(

---

Man. I think that, regardless of all the "bad stuff" that might happen to us... or even if NO THING happens at all, we stay in a sort of stagnation where we are clearly aware of our own willingness of throwing ourselves into any kind of impossible love, specially if we are currently talking about reciprocity, well, if we see that we are not even receiving 10% of what we are giving... don't feel sad about it... too much... ok? Personally speaking, I try to bear with it a lot, basically everyday, to be honest.

We constantly mistake the "soft" feel with the non-human "ability" and ease of discarding affective ties because the "not-caring" is wrongly labeled as synonym of the ultimate independence, freedom, even intelligence, even though one thing has NOTHING to do with other, lol. In the game of this sicky society, the winner of the love game is the one who love less, or at least know how to pretend their blandness very well. But why, sometimes, we must to feel bad for loving or for being dedicated for those we care about?

Like, even if it doesn't work out the way we expect. I personally think that the fact that we do not abandon our emotions and the desire of caring even with all the potential negative people surrounding us and influencing us to feel absolutely nothing... THIS is something we can really pride ourselves! Don't be sad, Tiny! Earth has 7.000.000.000 people. Technically, even way more than that.

Solitude is a difficult thing to deal with. I've gone through periods where I've felt crushingly alone even in the company of others. The best thing, I think, is to just live for yourself. Try not to rely on others — find things that you can do alone that satisfy you. Being by yourself isn't such a bad thing, but the loneliness will consume you if you let it. I've always enjoyed my own company, but up until the age of about twenty-five I was always surrounded by other people; my friends, my family, my partner, etc. Only when I found myself suddenly alone did I realise how bleak it was, but that was because I was depressed as fuck. The most important thing is to feel fulfilled. Find things that fulfill you that don't rely on others. Being a part of some sort of community helps, too. The great thing about the internet is that there's always people on it. Habbox is a bit dead these days, but there are a lot of places where you can connect with others.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Neversoft

I've felt crushingly alone even in the company of others.

---

And, perhaps, that was the reason I've found myself so struggled over the last months. I managed to find clues behind the things I have been doing and accessing lately, as a vague way of interpreting why I was feeling so foggy and empty because of people, besides the fact I was a former "independent" human until half a year ago and, even though it might not be the ONLY reason, I have been finding patterns on the friendships I was building and the people I was talking to in a regular basis that might be messed with my sanity a little bit, ha...

...most of them are beyond awesome, creative and interesting people to hang out and play something but, at least one of them would constantly have ambiguous behaviors that would cut my heart in two. Even without telling, it progressively became more and more obvious that today, we could have the most interesting and fun conversation and we'd say we love each other but, in the middle line, there was an implicit warning, from them to me: "We are having so much fun and talking about so many cool stuffs but, when the sun rise, I will magically forget about everything we have done and I'm gonna treat you as though you are an acquaintance attempting to force an imaginary bond between you and me. And you're gonna convince me to want to enjoy your company, from the scratch.".

It's more than obvious that everyone has the right of not talking with those they don't want to at the moment and everyone has a different standard on how they communicate but the case above, because it is an Fine/Not Fine case, it just got extremely exhausting with time and, as a consequence, made me to, temporarily, question about my own qualities, coolness and how much I "value" without their company because being with them did hurt, but being alone seemed to hurt 2x more

It's changing, though. It only took some days to notice the good things I was losing whilst avoiding staying on my own company, to the point I stop for a while and I think something like "whoah, I'm glad they aren't coming tonight" or similar, hah. It is a DAILY construction, actually. Began with the 100% clearing of some Sonic games and finished with the unhealthy amount of art production, music and movies. I've learnt that some of the GOOD things I use to WORSHIP about the terrible people I met were, mostly, a vague and unrealistic projection and, funnily, a mirrored vision of my own qualities, even though it sounds a bit cliché when spoken. And, when I got to know about it at once, it made it easier to generate love and dopamine in those moments no one is around but me and a good cup of wine, you know? Thank you for your precious tips.

If you managed to read this post until this point, I'm thinking about getting involved with reddit. Is it like a network of 39914921492194 gathered discussion forums ? I've been quite fond of Discord but the whole "instant messaging" aesthetic of it (and its messages) helps very little to build a healthy discussion AND who knows friendships.

A last note!

Five months were more than enough to work on all the crap discussed above and a fair part of the mindset seems to be learning the lesson and rediscovering a former sense of independence that was an impossibility until weeks ago!

Being the self-amateur-psychologist that I play, were needed some meditations to realise that, for a long time, my happiness has been powered under certain conditions, or at least happiness itself thought it's had to have conditions for them to happen; So thoughts like "I'll only be truly happy if I get the chance of being with them" were taken as plausible and made me temporarily destroyed because when you really think that somebody is important enough to bring you joy just by being there for you, you are always bounding for disappointment (not because people will be ******** with you but because your hunger will never be truly solved since there isn't a chance of being 100% satisfied on love, you will always want some more), mainly if you feed an imagining, creative mind and you fill the holes of the unknown with situations and worries that simply don't exist

Loads of things and people are discarded and it did make room for some more new promising life to come and be received with open arms and a flame of hope, since we'll never lose sight of hope really, since it's located in the core and the only thing that remains when you lose everything that mattered to you and makes you to wake up in the morning or play an instrument!

2018, right??????????