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Ok, so it's the day I told you I think I liked you.. I decided to write this because it's a way to vent my feelings and perhaps one day tell you about them should you ever want to know... my thoughts are everywhere in this message, there is no structure so deal with it lol
I briefly told you why I thought you were weird, but never fully explained why. So I'll probably do that because that's one of the main reason why I think I like you.
But I'll start with why I keep saying "I think" I like you... I've never been good with my emotions or feelings, I often get feelings confused, for all I know, I might just really like you as a friend because I feel I get on with you really well as we more or less have the same sense of humour, and I've always said that you need to date your best friend, and from the little time I've spent with you, I can see you being best friend material, which is maybe another reason why I think I like you. Also I'm a typical bloke and I mistake kindness for flirting and you're generally a very kind person, which is confusing for me.
The down side to all of this is that.. although I never felt this way with Katie I know I did feel strongly for her, and I chased her for about 2 weeks before anything came of it, but then it's like my feelings switched off with her.. which in hindsight has made me think that perhaps I just enjoy the chase? I hope to god I don't because that's a terrible thing, but like I said, I have a stronger connection to you than I ever did with Katie so maybe it was just a one off.
I think you're weird mainly because you intrigue me, I send you a sassy message or an innuendo and normally people's responses are predictable, but your responses aren't predictable at all, which makes talking to you even more interesting. However like I said, it's more of a you're weird to me, because of how you make me feel, not that you're actually weird yourself. You make me throw logic out the window and everyone I've spoke to about you, agrees with my logic, yet I want to go against my logic and date you. You say you don't want kids, which is something that I really want, and yet I'd still date you with the known possibility that kids won't be in the cards for me.
As I said in a message to you before; everything about you screams for me to not get involved with you. You are 8 years younger than me, we are at completely different stages in our lives... I've been with a person for many years and lived with them, I know what I want in a person and from a relationship, I feel you've yet to go through all of this and part of me doesn't want to be your test dummy, yet at the same time what if you don't need a test dummy like 99% of us do?
There is a 99% chance that it won't work, due to those reasons and I've always said that I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of wasting my time, and even with a 99% chance of not working, I'd be willing to chance wasting my time, if it meant that I could havemy chance with you.
You have multiple different sides to you, which is entertaining. You literally brighten up a room just by entering it, you have a contagious smile and an infectious laugh. You have your bad days, but they seem to be outweighed by your good days as I hardly see you or catch you in a bad place, I'm not sure if you're hiding behind a smile at times, but nevertheless your persona outshines your depression. I'd love to get to know the Amber behind closed doors, and get behind the fake smiles and walls you have up for the outside world.. You aren't afraid to be yourself around people, you burp out loud and don't care what people think, which is refreshing. You're like one of the lads, even with some of the clothes you wear, yet at the same time you're such a girl, and completely wow me *owen wilson meme* when you wear dresses or skirts because you are something else... it should be impossible for you to fit in so well with both boys and girls, yet to manage to do it with ease. You make everyone around you feel confident and they can be yourself around you because you're so non judgemental and down to earth. Your personality is absolutely heart warming and makes me never want to leave your side because in comparison everyone else is boring to be around because of the complexity of... you.
You infuriate me at times when you don't reply, or you open my message and then don't reply for hours or days upon end. As I said before, I literally check if I have any messages from you every 15 or so minutes, because I literally cannot wait for you to reply, sometimes I've worked longer and do 14-15 hour shifts just to keep my mind occupied so I'm not thinking about you.. I wonder if I'm annoying you by messaging you so much, so sometimes I'll fight the urge to message you, even if there is something I really wanna talk to you about, and it actually kills me, I try to wait for you to start a convo with me, or for you to send me a meme first.. plus it makes me feel happy as if you've messaged me first then I know you've recently thought about me... which is always a nice feeling... I don't have a lot of people who initiate conversations with me, it's always me starting them, and it's always me organising days out with friends and always me driving to see them, never the other way round, so it's the little things like that which makes me happy.
My problem is that I'm a very deep person when I want to be and when I'm in the right mood, but not a lot of people see that side of me, I'm mainly the guy that jokes around a lot, so from the outside to people who don't know me, they find it hard to have a serious conversation with me. I feel that because I opened up to you so fast, you've seen this side of me early on, so maybe that's another reason why I enjoy spending time with you... because you're one of very few people who actually know the real me.
I don't have a lot of close friends, or people I talk to daily. So you should know that if I talk to you daily, which I do, then you're one of around 3 people (if that) I don't have enough time to be maintaining multiple friendships, so if you've made it into my inner circle then I give you 100% of my attention during my free time, and sometimes when I'm working as well lol.
When we went to the beach, on the way back you were having a little jamming session on your own in the back and I had sunglasses on, and I dread to think the amount of times I nearly crashed because I was staring at you through the rear view mirror. You looked absolutely stunningly beautiful singing along to your songs and having a 1 woman party. You actually melted my heart a little bit. I just wanted to pull over and hug you so badly it was unreal.
