Feeling left out?

[buttons]

i've had a bit to drink so i know this depressing feeling won't last BUT

ever since i was young, i've always felt like i don't fit in with anyone. for example, if i'm in a group of 3, the other 2 will walk together or talk to each other and i get left out? it's like i'm ALWAYS the least desirable person to talk to? i don't think i'm boring and i'm open in that i'll socialize with anyone... but it just feels like no matter what, i'm in a league below everyone and idk, not cool enough for them? not normal enough?

does anyone relate to this or have any advice?

[James]

I'm exactly the same. Even if its 2 of my friends that have never met before meeting through me and we're going out together, they will get on better than I would with either of them. It's so frustrating sometimes but I've kinda got used to it now.

[FlyingJesus]

There's def no-one who likes all the same stuff I do but there are people who like some of it and others who like other bits perhaps so not too bad. Lit don't talk to ANYONE on my course lmao fun times not even sure if they all know my name

[Martin]

Yep I get that all the time haha! Like in my halls at the moment I get on with everyone fine in terms of general conversation, but it's really noticeable that I'm kind of the odd one out. Like when we all walk to dinner each night (our evening meals are at a restaurant down the road), I'm always the one walking at the back on my own because everyone else is kind of grouped together in their friendship groups talking to each other. I very rarely get invited out like the others and even when I do go out with everyone I still feel kind of out of place, scared that people will laugh at me like in the past. I would say I'm quite shy so that's part of the problem but at the same time it's not like I haven't made the effort to talk to people and I don't just lock myself in my room all the time like a couple of the others!

I think part of it is my own fault for not being the one to initiate conversation all the time but I guess I kind of feel sorry for them having to interact with me in a way because of how different I am and how uncool I am compared to all the other guys and stuff. Like I wouldn't want to be seen hanging out with me so I feel bad even putting them in that situation. I think it's exactly the same as you in terms of feeling a league below everyone else, never really being good enough. A lot of it is due to confidence and past issues I guess, but generally these days I'm a lot more confident and outgoing but it is still noticeable sometimes to me that I don't really fit in with everyone.

I'm not really sure what I could offer in terms of advice, sometimes I think it's just built in and some people just find it easier than others. Sometimes it's hard to get a word in or start conversation because they've beaten you to it!

There's this one girl in my halls that is absolutely lovely though and quite often asks if I'm okay and has invited me out for drinks with the others a few times, but she's the kind of person that would get along with anyone I feel and has a naturally bubbly and outgoing personality and doesn't really judge anyone I guess.

[Kyle]

You need to consider what you're bringing to the group. An anxious person that speaks inaudibly or avoids bringing up discussion topics altogether for whatever reason isn't a desirable conversation partner. I don't know the ins and outs of your situation so I'm not really in much of a position to advise, but I'll tell you about my own situation. I used to feel similar. I had lots of friends but I found myself drifting freely between groups without anybody really noticing. I'd "socialise" with them, but I wouldn't really contribute. A well-timed or funny remark here and there got me by, but I never felt very integral to any group. I wasn't below them, I just didn't fit in with them. I still feel like this from time to time, but when I'm with real friends I open up a lot more and I never avoid being myself. I'll drive conversation on topics that I want to talk about, I'll give my opinion even if it is a controversial one and I'll not be worried about being judged for being too weird or not cool enough. Sorry, I can't paragraph on this laptop apparently. Never change who you are or filter your thoughts. Okay, I've alienated on or two people, but I've made far more friends who accept me and enjoy my company just by putting things out there more freely.

[buttons]

There's def no-one who likes all the same stuff I do but there are people who like some of it and others who like other bits perhaps so not too bad. Lit don't talk to ANYONE on my course lmao fun times not even sure if they all know my name

even if i was with someone with the same interests/views, they would prob still choose someone else to talk to!!
i wonder if i'm just putting up a barrier with people that puts them off me and they seek out more confident people... but my natural reaction is to think they just hate me and i'm a freak.

Yep I get that all the time haha! Like in my halls at the moment I get on with everyone fine in terms of general conversation, but it's really noticeable that I'm kind of the odd one out. Like when we all walk to dinner each night (our evening meals are at a restaurant down the road), I'm always the one walking at the back on my own because everyone else is kind of grouped together in their friendship groups talking to each other. I very rarely get invited out like the others and even when I do go out with everyone I still feel kind of out of place, scared that people will laugh at me like in the past. I would say I'm quite shy so that's part of the problem but at the same time it's not like I haven't made the effort to talk to people and I don't just lock myself in my room all the time like a couple of the others!

I think part of it is my own fault for not being the one to initiate conversation all the time but I guess I kind of feel sorry for them having to interact with me in a way because of how different I am and how uncool I am compared to all the other guys and stuff. Like I wouldn't want to be seen hanging out with me so I feel bad even putting them in that situation. I think it's exactly the same as you in terms of feeling a league below everyone else, never really being good enough. A lot of it is due to confidence and past issues I guess, but generally these days I'm a lot more confident and outgoing but it is still noticeable sometimes to me that I don't really fit in with everyone.

I'm not really sure what I could offer in terms of advice, sometimes I think it's just built in and some people just find it easier than others. Sometimes it's hard to get a word in or start conversation because they've beaten you to it!

There's this one girl in my halls that is absolutely lovely though and quite often asks if I'm okay and has invited me out for drinks with the others a few times, but she's the kind of person that would get along with anyone I feel and has a naturally bubbly and outgoing personality and doesn't really judge anyone I guess.

yeah i think our past can hold us back! like i'm just terrified i'm going to be the "weird" girl again..that i'll always be the freak that people hate and will bully. i also make the effort but i know i can give off body language that says "go away" just because that social anxiety is ingrained in me so i think that could be why we feel left out. i think even if you just have that one person to make you feel comfortable and wanted, it makes a HUGE difference!

You need to consider what you're bringing to the group. An anxious person that speaks inaudibly or avoids bringing up discussion topics altogether for whatever reason isn't a desirable conversation partner. I don't know the ins and outs of your situation so I'm not really in much of a position to advise, but I'll tell you about my own situation. I used to feel similar. I had lots of friends but I found myself drifting freely between groups without anybody really noticing. I'd "socialise" with them, but I wouldn't really contribute. A well-timed or funny remark here and there got me by, but I never felt very integral to any group. I wasn't below them, I just didn't fit in with them. I still feel like this from time to time, but when I'm with real friends I open up a lot more and I never avoid being myself. I'll drive conversation on topics that I want to talk about, I'll give my opinion even if it is a controversial one and I'll not be worried about being judged for being too weird or not cool enough. Sorry, I can't paragraph on this laptop apparently. Never change who you are or filter your thoughts. Okay, I've alienated on or two people, but I've made far more friends who accept me and enjoy my company just by putting things out there more freely.

in the office or at a table together, i fit into the conversation fine but then it just feels like they want to go into their own conversation and start talking about a topic only they can talk about lol. i find it easy to contribute and start topics and continue conversations but i don't know, maybe i just come across funny to them? i know sometimes i say things and people take it the wrong way (maybe i'm autistic ;l). i think i'm just not comfortable with my colleagues yet, it's only been 2 months but i can take a year to really get comfortable with even one person.
dunno if it's my introversion, my self-esteem or my past experiences or a mixture but i don't feel like i'll ever be integral to a group. and i think you're right, i'm probably not letting my personality out enough. i find that easier to do 1-to-1 and i socialize better 1-to-1 and people are more comfortable with me when i'm drunk (personality comes out more) so i think i just have to find a way to let my personality out but my embedded habits from having social anxiety during adolescence really gets in the way

[Jurv]

I feel ya!

Up until like a year or so ago I've always felt like I was the extra in the friendship group?? and it was probably why I was online so much lol. I feel like I've pretty much got the perfect friendship group now though. First year of uni in halls was a bit of a mess but you're sorta forced into friendship so in a way I expected it. On my course I literally speak to one person but it doesn't bother me because we're close and I have no desire to speak to anyone else (other than this hot guy but he spoke to me last week and I melted. Cringe). Oh and there's this one girl who's mates with one of my close uni mates and I feel like whenever I speak to her she's not interested but I just boil that down to her being a ****

[Drew]

I guess everyone's experienced being left out at some point in their lives. This reminds me of when I first moved to Australia 5 years ago - I had a major culture shock and was just too scared to speak to anyone for fear of being judged and not being liked. I kept to myself for a while but eventually built enough confidence to come out of my shell. If you're like me (you often worry about being judged), the trick I've learnt is to imagine switching roles a little bit - if I was the other person and the other person was me, would I judge them? The answer is always no for me.

As you've already mentioned, there are many other reasons why this could be happening. Do you feel the need to identify the problem? If I were you I would just work on accepting the fact that you are who you are and you don't need everyone to like you or change anything to make people like you. You just need real friends (quality over quantity) and be confident in yourself. Never think you're below anyone or not cool enough or not normal enough




Sent from my iPhone

[Stephen]

i relate
but i relate to most negative things

i always have this feeling that I'm not noticed. Even at school when I was talking to someone one on one I just felt like I wasn't noticed or was just a thing and that someone else they knew would walk past and they'd just piss off with them instead of sticking with me

everyone likes everyone else better than me im the bottom person blahblah

[Empired]

You need to consider what you're bringing to the group. An anxious person that speaks inaudibly or avoids bringing up discussion topics altogether for whatever reason isn't a desirable conversation partner. I don't know the ins and outs of your situation so I'm not really in much of a position to advise, but I'll tell you about my own situation. I used to feel similar. I had lots of friends but I found myself drifting freely between groups without anybody really noticing. I'd "socialise" with them, but I wouldn't really contribute. A well-timed or funny remark here and there got me by, but I never felt very integral to any group. I wasn't below them, I just didn't fit in with them. I still feel like this from time to time, but when I'm with real friends I open up a lot more and I never avoid being myself. I'll drive conversation on topics that I want to talk about, I'll give my opinion even if it is a controversial one and I'll not be worried about being judged for being too weird or not cool enough. Sorry, I can't paragraph on this laptop apparently. Never change who you are or filter your thoughts. Okay, I've alienated on or two people, but I've made far more friends who accept me and enjoy my company just by putting things out there more freely.

I was going to say this exactly.

After suffering from years of social anxiety, being kicked out of multiple friendship groups (one group went as far as to start up a really fun year of bullying for me) and shaking in my boots every time someone who wasn't my mum started a conversation with me, I always felt like the odd one out. Even when I was well within those friendship groups I used to feel like the third wheel and I can relate to being the one who had to tag along behind on their own when there wasn't enough room on the pavement for me next to them.

But I'm the same as Kyle. In my current friendship group I met at sixth form I remember making the conscious decision to take more of a lead on things before I went in for my first day of Year 12. I now start up a good 50% of the conversation between the four of us and am usually the one to get the others laughing. Before, I'd never talk to anyone I wasn't friends with (would actually go out of my way to avoid other people) but now I'll chat to any customer at work, and I'll talk to random people on the street (if they start up the conversation 'cause I know a lot of people really don't like it when a stranger starts talking to them).
I thought I'd really hate doing all of that and it was a LOT of effort at first but it gets a lot better. That's not to say it's completely natural now; I'd still rather stay inside on my own than go out and talk to other people but more than a couple of days of this actually makes me feel really shitty (as it would with anyone) so that's a bad idea.

I guess I just mean- same as Kyle- that if you know that you definitely are the problem then you have to be the one to do something about it. I don't believe in the idea of not fitting in anywhere because I'm weird as **** and I still don't feel like I've really "clicked" with my friends but they accepted me because I chose to make myself a valuable part of the group.
And by KNOWING that you are definitely part of the problem I meant it's important to establish whether you're sure this is an accurate representation of what's really going on and not just something that's all in your head, but I'm sure you'd already thought of that as it looks like you've put a lot of thought into this already