Rosalie Part 1.

[rokgal]

Rosalie lay in the meadow upon the lavender. Her golden hair sat upon her shoulders. Birds chirped as the sun was rising. Rosalie was in a trail of deep thought. Her father had just passed and she was to live with her aunt in a large town. Time passed quickly, it was as if the wind had pushed it away. Time had come for Rosalie to leave her small cottage, it didn't pass her mind that it was for the best. A carrige drawn by horse arrived. She wasn't sure what to expect of her aunt. The carrige drew to a hault. She got out. There it was.. A large house with her aunt and step sisters outside. Her aunt looked very wealthy, she wore a silk gown that was beautifully beaded. She wondered inside the big house after being greeted. she went to her room
to unpack her things. Rosalie thought she would stand out as she has nothing as beautiful as a beaded gown. She finished unpacking her things. She saw a strange room at the end of the corridor. She wondered inside it. There was a small white dresser against the wall. There
was also a oriental screen behind the trunk. She opened the trunk. inside lay beautiful gowns and shoes. Maybe her aunt would let her wear some. Her aunt called her down stairs for dinner.
A lacey table cloth covered the beautiful glass table. For dinner was a full roast. Her aunt suggested going to the market tomorow to buy her some new clothes.

Thoughts? i just wrote this but now im bored so :/ Any ideas for the next part?

Please excuse poor punctuation im missing some buttons on my keyboard..

Thread Moved by Jordan (Forum Moderator): Moved from "Discuss Anything" as it's more suited in this forum.

[Matthew]

Too many repeats of the same word, you need to use synonyms to make it more interesting. (words in bold)

Rosalie lay in the meadow upon the lavender. Her golden hair sat upon her shoulders. Birds chirped as the sun was rising. Rosalie was in a trail of deep thought. Her father had just passed and she was to live with her aunt in a large town. Time passed quickly, it was as if the wind had pushed it away. Time had come for Rosalie to leave her small cottage, it didn't pass her mind that it was for the best. A carrige drawn by horse arrived. She wasn't sure what to expect of her aunt. The carrige drew to a hault. She got out. There it was.. A large house with her aunt and step sisters outside. Her aunt looked very wealthy, she wore a silk gown that was beautifully beaded. She wondered inside the big house after being greeted. she went to her room to unpack her things.

Also its very... stop-starty? P) Too many full stops, such as here:
1)

She wondered inside the big house after being greeted. she went to her room to unpack her things.

Why not make it into one sentence so that it flows better?
She wondered inside the big house, and after being greeted she unpacked her things.

2)

She saw a strange room at the end of the corridor. She wondered inside it. There was a small white dresser against the wall. There
was also a oriental screen behind the trunk. She opened the trunk. inside lay beautiful gowns and shoes. Maybe her aunt would let her wear some.

She saw a strange room at the end of the corridor. She stepped inside, to find a small white dresser resting against the wall. There was also an oriental screen behind the trunk, which she opened to see beautiful gowns and shoes. Maybe her aunt would let her wear some?

The story just doesn't flow at all.

Also, at the end its a bit random IMO:

A lacey table cloth covered the beautiful glass table. For dinner was a full roast. Her aunt suggested going to the market tomorow to buy her some new clothes.

So we've gone from describing the table cloth, to describing dinner, to talking about clothes? Its just all over the place

How old are you if you don't mind?

[rokgal]

Too many repeats of the same word, you need to use synonyms to make it more interesting. (words in bold)




Also its very... stop-starty? P) Too many full stops, such as here:
1)

Why not make it into one sentence so that it flows better?
She wondered inside the big house, and after being greeted she unpacked her things.

2)

She saw a strange room at the end of the corridor. She stepped inside, to find a small white dresser resting against the wall. There was also an oriental screen behind the trunk, which she opened to see beautiful gowns and shoes. Maybe her aunt would let her wear some?

The story just doesn't flow at all.

Also, at the end its a bit random IMO:


So we've gone from describing the table cloth, to describing dinner, to talking about clothes? Its just all over the place

How old are you if you don't mind?

13 years young + it was written outta bordem so i didnt expect it to be perfect.

[ben]

13 years young + it was written outta bordem so i didnt expect it to be perfect.

13 years old you mean

also shouldnt this be in the other entertainment forum

[rokgal]

13 years old you mean

also shouldnt this be in the other entertainment forum

no i mean 13 years young