Email Venting

[Triz]

So I posted half of an email located here for a competition, however only posted half of it due to its relevance. I said I'd post the other half if anyone is interested to read it, so as requested by @Jarkie here it is..

The first half is in a different colour, so you can skip that part if you've already it read it over at the thread linked above.

Ok, so it's the day I told you I think I liked you.. I decided to write this because it's a way to vent my feelings and perhaps one day tell you about them should you ever want to know... my thoughts are everywhere in this message, there is no structure so deal with it lol


I briefly told you why I thought you were weird, but never fully explained why. So I'll probably do that because that's one of the main reason why I think I like you.


But I'll start with why I keep saying "I think" I like you... I've never been good with my emotions or feelings, I often get feelings confused, for all I know, I might just really like you as a friend because I feel I get on with you really well as we more or less have the same sense of humour, and I've always said that you need to date your best friend, and from the little time I've spent with you, I can see you being best friend material, which is maybe another reason why I think I like you. Also I'm a typical bloke and I mistake kindness for flirting and you're generally a very kind person, which is confusing for me.


The down side to all of this is that.. although I never felt this way with Katie I know I did feel strongly for her, and I chased her for about 2 weeks before anything came of it, but then it's like my feelings switched off with her.. which in hindsight has made me think that perhaps I just enjoy the chase? I hope to god I don't because that's a terrible thing, but like I said, I have a stronger connection to you than I ever did with Katie so maybe it was just a one off.


I think you're weird mainly because you intrigue me, I send you a sassy message or an innuendo and normally people's responses are predictable, but your responses aren't predictable at all, which makes talking to you even more interesting. However like I said, it's more of a you're weird to me, because of how you make me feel, not that you're actually weird yourself. You make me throw logic out the window and everyone I've spoke to about you, agrees with my logic, yet I want to go against my logic and date you. You say you don't want kids, which is something that I really want, and yet I'd still date you with the known possibility that kids won't be in the cards for me.


As I said in a message to you before; everything about you screams for me to not get involved with you. You are 8 years younger than me, we are at completely different stages in our lives... I've been with a person for many years and lived with them, I know what I want in a person and from a relationship, I feel you've yet to go through all of this and part of me doesn't want to be your test dummy, yet at the same time what if you don't need a test dummy like 99% of us do?


There is a 99% chance that it won't work, due to those reasons and I've always said that I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of wasting my time, and even with a 99% chance of not working, I'd be willing to chance wasting my time, if it meant that I could havemy chance with you.


You have multiple different sides to you, which is entertaining. You literally brighten up a room just by entering it, you have a contagious smile and an infectious laugh. You have your bad days, but they seem to be outweighed by your good days as I hardly see you or catch you in a bad place, I'm not sure if you're hiding behind a smile at times, but nevertheless your persona outshines your depression. I'd love to get to know the Amber behind closed doors, and get behind the fake smiles and walls you have up for the outside world.. You aren't afraid to be yourself around people, you burp out loud and don't care what people think, which is refreshing. You're like one of the lads, even with some of the clothes you wear, yet at the same time you're such a girl, and completely wow me *owen wilson meme* when you wear dresses or skirts because you are something else... it should be impossible for you to fit in so well with both boys and girls, yet to manage to do it with ease. You make everyone around you feel confident and they can be yourself around you because you're so non judgemental and down to earth. Your personality is absolutely heart warming and makes me never want to leave your side because in comparison everyone else is boring to be around because of the complexity of... you.


You infuriate me at times when you don't reply, or you open my message and then don't reply for hours or days upon end. As I said before, I literally check if I have any messages from you every 15 or so minutes, because I literally cannot wait for you to reply, sometimes I've worked longer and do 14-15 hour shifts just to keep my mind occupied so I'm not thinking about you.. I wonder if I'm annoying you by messaging you so much, so sometimes I'll fight the urge to message you, even if there is something I really wanna talk to you about, and it actually kills me, I try to wait for you to start a convo with me, or for you to send me a meme first.. plus it makes me feel happy as if you've messaged me first then I know you've recently thought about me... which is always a nice feeling... I don't have a lot of people who initiate conversations with me, it's always me starting them, and it's always me organising days out with friends and always me driving to see them, never the other way round, so it's the little things like that which makes me happy.


My problem is that I'm a very deep person when I want to be and when I'm in the right mood, but not a lot of people see that side of me, I'm mainly the guy that jokes around a lot, so from the outside to people who don't know me, they find it hard to have a serious conversation with me. I feel that because I opened up to you so fast, you've seen this side of me early on, so maybe that's another reason why I enjoy spending time with you... because you're one of very few people who actually know the real me.


I don't have a lot of close friends, or people I talk to daily. So you should know that if I talk to you daily, which I do, then you're one of around 3 people (if that) I don't have enough time to be maintaining multiple friendships, so if you've made it into my inner circle then I give you 100% of my attention during my free time, and sometimes when I'm working as well lol.


When we went to the beach, on the way back you were having a little jamming session on your own in the back and I had sunglasses on, and I dread to think the amount of times I nearly crashed because I was staring at you through the rear view mirror. You looked absolutely stunningly beautiful singing along to your songs and having a 1 woman party. You actually melted my heart a little bit. I just wanted to pull over and hug you so badly it was unreal.

This was Summer 2018...

This whole email was spread across about 5 or 6 months, I added to it at random intervals, or whenever I felt I needed to say something

Although I said I never sent the email, I know that's she's read it because her sister knows about it and I can guarantee she read it to her... not that I care, its water under the bridge now..

Is how it ended is we stopped speaking, mainly because she decided to cut ties with me, removed me from FB and Instagram... haven't spoke to her properly since... saw her when I was out clubbing about 4 or 5 months ago, she seemed happy to see me and I confronted her about removing me on social media and she denied it lol, but I get a follow req the next day on Instagram, so I accepted, still not friends on FB, but I stopped using FB years ago anyway.. I only post on Instagram, but aside from bumping into her a few months back, we haven't spoke since... she's also no longer with Oliver, they broke up shortly after, she's with someone else now I believe, but as you might assume from my venting email, I kind of realised that she is not the one for me, took me a long time to get there though, also far too young...

One of my mates asked me if she decided that she did want to go out with me, would I say yes, and after thinking about it for a few days, I came back with the answer of no, I would tell her that I'll be happy to be FWB but nothing more...

But honestly this is the most feelings I've ever had for a girl, so for me I felt like I needed to write out my feelings because I'm useless with them, it's better if I try to write them out so I can better understand them and I guess reflect, and it worked to be honest.

[scottish]

How old was she :|

[Triz]

19..

[LucyFaye]

Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life!

She definitely sounds unlikable for me with her leading you on so much, going out camping (did she lie to her bf about that i'm guessing!?) And 1-1 meals (to me with everything else, that's a bloody date! Then not rejecting your hints towards romance despite already having a boyfriend...

Then having the audacity to ask for money!? More than once too?
Being desperate to pay the electric bill or something maybe, but she can't be short on cash if she's in a bloody pub!

I'm sorry you got stung by her 😔 I hope she grows out of such behaviours and matures into that free spirit you got a glimpse of.

If not, I hope you never have to see her again! 😔 or at least not be emotionally tormented again.

[scottish]

She definitely sounds unlikable for me with her leading you on so much, going out camping (did she lie to her bf about that i'm guessing!?) And 1-1 meals (to me with everything else, that's a bloody date! Then not rejecting your hints towards romance despite already having a boyfriend...

It's 50/50 though, if she had a bf you shouldn't be making advances at her, asking her out to a meal (if you plan on it being anything more than friendly), camping (again if you plan on it being anything more than friendly).

Were you good friends with her sister before her? I find it weird you confide in her sister, was that a sly way to try and get the message to the girl, knowing her sister would share everything with her?

If she's 19 though then kind of expect them to be a bit immature.. don't date anyone under 25 and you're sorted.

[Triz]

I wouldn't call what I did making advances... Yeah I obviously hoped to get closer to her, but was fairly happy just getting to know her...

What I did with her I do with my friends anyway, 1 on 1 meals to me isn't a date, nor is going to the Cinema, I worked at the cinema for 6 years, so going to watch a film followed by a meal is the norm for me.. Kind of hard to get all your friends who work shifts to come to a meal and a film, or anywhere for that matter, so often my plans are always with them individually.. and I go camping once a year with someone, that year I asked her, it's kind of impossible when you like someone to not want more when doing anything with them, what you're reading is my personal unfiltered thoughts, things I generally wouldn't say out loud to people... So it's easy to say that I shouldn't be making plans with her when I'm wanting more; because she has a bf, but I don't and won't stop seeing someone because I have feelings for them and they're taken, I'll continue being friends and that's it, I didn't treat this girl any different that I do my friends, so it was never supposed to be anything more, nor was I expecting it because honestly she was way out of my league, but as you can read above, i classed the camping as a test, yeah in a way, but as I stated before these are unfiltered thoughts, in my head there has to be some hope I give myself, so I classed this innocent camping trip as a test to see if I did actually like her or if I just really liked her as a friend. And vise versa, as I said I'm shit with emotions, so I'm not just gonna bin a friend off because I might like them too much as a friend, that's stupid... Not to mention that I have a sexual attraction to a few of my friends, I'm not gonna bin them off because of that either, I'd love for them to come to me and tell me they like me, but it'll never happen, and they don't know that I have these feelings.. granted no where near as strong as this girl we're talking about, but attraction nonetheless... The point is that you gotta remember that you're reading unfiltered thoughts, we don't always have logical thoughts, but it's our actions that define us as a person. And As I stated I would have never let anything happen anyway, and it didn't even come close to that, for me it was just me and a friend enjoying a day out, like previous years where I went with someone else 1 on 1 too.

I went out just 2 weeks ago with my ex ex girlfriend who is now married, we went out for a meal and to the cinema alone... I would never take a girl who I liked to the Cinema and a meal, or camping for that matter... Especially Frankie and Benny's lol

I met her sister the same night as her, but we were closer in a sense because we spoke a lot more due to the fact that her sister took ages to reply to me. So me and her sister talked a lot more, and sometimes we would talk about her sister, as she was embarrassed that her sister asked for money from me and told me that she wasn't raised like that and how it's not just me that she does it to etc...

But no, idk if she has read it. I did tell her not too, I told her about this email as he convo was heading that way, and after a few days of her asking to see it, I just gave in and sent her it.. based on how she is, id be surprised if she did show her it, but it's been almost 2 years now. So I imagine she's either told her by now or now it's old new and no one cares therefore why bring it up...

Who knows... Who cares...

Edit. Just remembered that she didn't have a bf when we first met, and when we went to the beach together, I brought along a mutual friend, I think it was during that trip that I think I got feelings for her. But wasn't sure, that's when I asked her to join me camping so I could better gauge if I did... Between the beach and the camping trip is when she got a bf I believe... She never told her bf about the camping trip and I told her she needed too, not sure she ever did though, but she asked to go home super early on our last day, where she spent the rest of the day with him.

But just to reiterate, I would never not be friends with someone because I like them, especially when I'm useless with emotions because if I did that then I probably would have hardly any girls as friends lol.

Maybe it's just because the thoughts I've written have hardly any context, as obviously I wrote this for myself so didn't exactly explain everything properly...

We were friends for a while before the beach and meals out happened, mostly met up with her during nights out and even house parties at mine, then she started to become apart of my life as a friend, which is why I starting inviting her other places rather than the usual clubbing which is where we met... I wanted to bring her into my inner circle as I do with all close friends, which is when the invites to other places started happening, that's when I started to develop feelings of some sort (I think)... To me it was all innocent, the fact she had a bf now was irrelevant in the sense that what we did together was no different to what I do with my other friends anyway, regardless of gender or sexual attraction... But I feel you've got that opinion because you're just reading the unfiltered thoughts, which of course state that I wanted more, like if you found someone a pet parrot with a £100 reward money. Most people would refuse the money, but deep down would want it... You're essentially reading about how I really wanted to keep that money, but without reading that I'd look like a good person who refused money to reunite a pet and their owner.

Edit2

Or maybe I am a bad person for my thoughts lol, but I like to think I'm not because of my actions.

[Samantha]

I believe it's up to yourself on whether you went too far or not and whether it could have been seen as making advances. You might look over this in a few years time and have a completely different perspective of it and realise you may have gone too far. The thing is with some feelings, you don't realise you're doing it and although it's fine to you, it might not be fine to someone else. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, but I had a boyfriend, I never cheated on him, but there was a guy who I was close to. I don't think it's always a case of whether you went too far, but her. In my opinion, if she had cheated on her boyfriend then I would have questioned whether she would be genuine and loyal to you, I would also consider that she had more to lose than you.

I liked reading the email and then it suddenly turned. The one thing I don't like is telling her sister, but that might be just me. My ex did that, he knew I didn't want my sister to know anything, but he did it anyway. I was more distraught at that than I was of him dumping me, because that person (her in this case) knows you were talking about her for however long it was.

However, I think you're probably better off without her in your life. Even though she didn't cheat on her boyfriend, she still doesn't seem like the best of people. It seems like she was using you in terms of quick money and probably knew you'd day yes and then couldn't be bothered when you said no. I'm not sure if she would be like that for anyone else or just you though.

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